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There is a strange sense of quiet around me.
Used to wonder if its the proverbial silence before the storm. I practically killed a couple of months hanging around partly pissed off , partly pleased. fluctuating between a state of utter and complete boredom and that of enjoying the kind of worklessness i ve never ever known before .
From feeling absolutely useless through the month , to feeling as lucky as a jackpot winner as i checked my salary account by the end of the month. From getting back to blogging the way i enjoy it to taking as many chuttis as i wish to for travel or festivals or just like thats . Planning a zillion things i think i want to do , and not really doing anything other than cooking like a pro for my dearest hubby feeling like the ever loving housewife by the evening.
The last few months of nothing-ness were packed with a lot of stuff i wouldnt have been able to manage if i was doing something , anything , everything i expect myself to do as a high flying executive.
I used to live each day like it was my last day of life in slow motion. Waiting in a painful anticipation that Very soon I know the life in fast forward would start off.
Sometimes , Songs come to you when you are in a particular state of mind and they whirl around in your head till you break down each word to perfectly make sense of things around you.
Shayad isliye , Tanhai mein fursat di hai .
am back and how!
well.. after the self imposed exile … am back to writing abt the crazy stuff inside my head.
whats the last few days ( one month infact) been like?
life s changed completely .. .from being single to being ‘engaged’! , from taking things as they come to start making a difference ( work , outside work.. everything in between and beyond) .
The search for the elusive Mr Right is complete – now the journey towards knowing if he ‘s actually the MR RIGHT starts off .
I guess am back with a sort of make over .
How s this new – me .. going to be ?
1. working towards a “better me” ( to hell with all those .. kareena critics .. I think the babe looks drop dead gorgeous and why should nt i aim at that?)
2. working towards a “better me” ( to hell with all those .. mood spoilers .. if you dont know how to speak and be congenial .. not an issue with me .. go ahead ruin your day , but you cant do that any more for me!)
3. working towards a “better me” ( catching up with a lot of ppl i left behind. managing relationships was always my forte .. so why should things be any different now?)
so .. in a nut shell i guess .. its working towards a “better me” :)
more soon!
Some how , when we are all caught up figuring out the life – changing things , the little things get lost , un-noticed , left behind , conveniently sidelined …
i guess i ll not try and cover up the remorse that i am feeling right now about those millions of moments that i didnt value enough by talking in a generalist way.
it’s not just this feeling that one gets when one hears about a closed one passing away. Alrite I get. I get it when i hear some one - close relatives ,distant friends, acquaintances – passing away.
about the uncertainty , the unpredictability , the impermanence of it all.
Some one asked me long time back my views on life after death and i nonchalantly replied “I am not too sure about managing life before death , so i am not even thinking about the part beyond it !”
I’ve been thinking since yesterday. seriously.
Surprisingly my answer remains the same if i am asked this question. Managing life before death is almost an all time occupation for me . at work , off work.
So much seems to happen to all the time. I am always working on a 100 pt agenda . More money. Better living. Better stuff to buy . More appreciation. I guess any ‘single working woman’ would have something like that list on her mind most of the time . Just that i am ridiculous enough to supposedly think i am a little more than all those words to define my being. something more coz i am me . Which would make me a little different from the others.
And even if they are those little things that would make me .. me . they matter.
My constant analysis of myself makes me believe that i do . I was told recently that i write with a sense of freedom that’s quite envious.
its amazing to see how this post started off talking abt little things in life that i value – which i some how wanted to list down. But eventually moved on to little things in me that make me , me.
I like drifting away . which isnt the same as digressing . who knows what we are talking about , heading to , doing .. anyways?
I like reading between the lines and yet not get too carried away with the subtlety . And i somehow get those little things which for a lot of people might just be passe. I think , i can talk my way into and out of almost anything on planet. significant or mundane. And i seem to come across as different person to different people. i should be alarmed at the inconsistency of my ‘appearance’ to others. but i enjoy it.
I think i trust too easily . which means heart break . but then i guess i move on easily too . but still taking some thing with me from the ‘whole damn deal’ . which sometimes might mean that i go and revisit those saddening thoughts coz they are there at some corner of my mind. but then i enjoy that too.
I guess this post is becoming a little long winding for my own liking.. and i havent as yet started to talk about this constant fascination with something ‘new’ .
more soon…
